so upon working in our attic, we found a bin of girls clothes, what i had whittled thousands down to.

my first instinct was to get rid of it as soon as possible.

so i called the friend who had a newbornish baby girl.

the response "giving up?" my heart twisted. i embrace her honesty.

but it made my heart a mean knot. why do i feel so angry about the children i wasn't able to carry.

i just wish i knew.

since then i found out i was pregnant, yet again. this makes seven pregnancies since 2004. as much as i want all my babies to have lived, i think how crazy life already is. as bob and i sit waiting for his procedure, many thoughts hit both of us, him related to his recent job loss, and the surgery he is about to undergo. me pregnancy, and whether or not i will carry this baby to term. there are many stresses we have to deal with at this moment and never has life been this precarious. but surprisingly i am not as stressed as someone might think one could get having three children one on the way, a dog, car payments, mortgage, and no "stable" what ever that might mean these days, job. life goes on. i weave like mad lately it is the only thing i can control. best to get it woven when i have the chance, life does go on.